You have 5 minutes

Our Sunday School Teacher called and asked me to take 5 miuntes to talk abut the atonement. 5 minutes? 5 minutes. How do I sum up something that has saved my life in such a personal way - that has saved the life of all mankind in 5 minutes.?! I fasted and prayed and this is wht I came up with to share in 5 minutes.

When Brother Boley asked me to share some feelings about the atonement, I knew I’d need to write my thoughts down or I’d never be able to focus. Even after writing this down, it seems like there are gaps in the way things fits things together. But that‘s ok, because I know it’s the Spirit that teaches anyway.

I have worked so hard for the past few years to really understand the atonement. I’d hear people say how much the atonement means to them or that they felt close to the Savior because of their relationship with Him. I have wanted that ever since I joined the church and I have slowly realized that the way to do that is by continued study and application. For me, that has meant emotional, spiritual and mental work. I currently attend a women’s support group that helps us apply the Atonement to our problems. We were working on forgiveness a couple of weeks ago, I was trying to think about whether or not I held any grudges. I had a few relationships where things were healing, but I felt I had done all that I could to forgive and had asked for forgiveness. Then the thought popped into my mind that I needed to forgive my grandparents. Everything inside of me recoiled and I said no. I am willing do their temple work, why do I need to forgive them? They were terrible to their children. They abused them in every way you can think of. I have seen the devastating suffering that it caused in their children…my aunts ,uncles and my mom. I have seen the effects that have been passed down in my own life. How do I forgive that? Then the thought came to my mind…how do you expect slaves to treat their children?

That stopped me in my thoughts- I don’t think about slavery very often… I was brought up to believe that it happened to only black people… but education and the gospel helped me quickly realize that there have been many people affected by physical or spiritual slavery. That point made a huge impact on me – It really wasn’t that long ago that slavery was in effect, and without the knowledge of the Savior, generations stay stuck. In the scriptures there are many examples of weaknesses that are passed down through the foolish traditions of fathers. The Savior said as long as the children who are affected by these weaknesses repent of the sins that follow, they will be forgiven.

I used to be so mad that I was born in my family with its history because all I wanted to do is just be a good person… and have a close relationship with the Savior. I thought I‘d accomplish that by not sinning. The problem is, when I mistakingly thought I wasn’t sinning, there was no compelling desire to turn to the Savior. When I finally realized that I had problems bigger than me, I came to know that I had no power to solve them without acknowledging my need for the Savior’s help. This dependence has deepened my understanding of the atonement in so many ways.

I stay close to the Savior by admitting that I sin every day. I don’t have the willpower to have a perfect day, but when I give up my will and rely on his power, I am perfected in Him. Also He wants us to repent of everything-whether we think our sins are big or little- it doesn’t matter to Him… He knows that little sins untreated become gaping wounds and big sins started as little ones. I have also realized that I absolutely to have Him as a partner in repentance. When I take charge in my repentance process the shame of sin encourages me to sin more by judging myself harshly or beating myself up or making impossible impatient demands. Judgement is the Savior’s job, blessing or chastisement is the Savior’s job, filling needs is the Saviors job, healing is the Savior’s job. He does want us to do these things, in fact we do these as parents. However we cannot truly teach these principles of the Atonement unless we can apply them- not only to others but to ourselves, in the manner D&C 121 says: with patience, love unfeigned, gentleness , kindness and pure knowledge. We have to live the principles of the atonement in order to teach them. Not perfectly, but as the Savior as our partner. Applying the Atonement with the Saviors help has helped me love myself. Love my children better and also turned my heart to my family members - I hope they can forgive me and feel of my love for them.

I think that makes up for 6 months of not blogging. I hope to be back sooner. I forgot ho wmuch I like blogging.