You have 5 minutes

Our Sunday School Teacher called and asked me to take 5 miuntes to talk abut the atonement. 5 minutes? 5 minutes. How do I sum up something that has saved my life in such a personal way - that has saved the life of all mankind in 5 minutes.?! I fasted and prayed and this is wht I came up with to share in 5 minutes.

When Brother Boley asked me to share some feelings about the atonement, I knew I’d need to write my thoughts down or I’d never be able to focus. Even after writing this down, it seems like there are gaps in the way things fits things together. But that‘s ok, because I know it’s the Spirit that teaches anyway.

I have worked so hard for the past few years to really understand the atonement. I’d hear people say how much the atonement means to them or that they felt close to the Savior because of their relationship with Him. I have wanted that ever since I joined the church and I have slowly realized that the way to do that is by continued study and application. For me, that has meant emotional, spiritual and mental work. I currently attend a women’s support group that helps us apply the Atonement to our problems. We were working on forgiveness a couple of weeks ago, I was trying to think about whether or not I held any grudges. I had a few relationships where things were healing, but I felt I had done all that I could to forgive and had asked for forgiveness. Then the thought popped into my mind that I needed to forgive my grandparents. Everything inside of me recoiled and I said no. I am willing do their temple work, why do I need to forgive them? They were terrible to their children. They abused them in every way you can think of. I have seen the devastating suffering that it caused in their children…my aunts ,uncles and my mom. I have seen the effects that have been passed down in my own life. How do I forgive that? Then the thought came to my mind…how do you expect slaves to treat their children?

That stopped me in my thoughts- I don’t think about slavery very often… I was brought up to believe that it happened to only black people… but education and the gospel helped me quickly realize that there have been many people affected by physical or spiritual slavery. That point made a huge impact on me – It really wasn’t that long ago that slavery was in effect, and without the knowledge of the Savior, generations stay stuck. In the scriptures there are many examples of weaknesses that are passed down through the foolish traditions of fathers. The Savior said as long as the children who are affected by these weaknesses repent of the sins that follow, they will be forgiven.

I used to be so mad that I was born in my family with its history because all I wanted to do is just be a good person… and have a close relationship with the Savior. I thought I‘d accomplish that by not sinning. The problem is, when I mistakingly thought I wasn’t sinning, there was no compelling desire to turn to the Savior. When I finally realized that I had problems bigger than me, I came to know that I had no power to solve them without acknowledging my need for the Savior’s help. This dependence has deepened my understanding of the atonement in so many ways.

I stay close to the Savior by admitting that I sin every day. I don’t have the willpower to have a perfect day, but when I give up my will and rely on his power, I am perfected in Him. Also He wants us to repent of everything-whether we think our sins are big or little- it doesn’t matter to Him… He knows that little sins untreated become gaping wounds and big sins started as little ones. I have also realized that I absolutely to have Him as a partner in repentance. When I take charge in my repentance process the shame of sin encourages me to sin more by judging myself harshly or beating myself up or making impossible impatient demands. Judgement is the Savior’s job, blessing or chastisement is the Savior’s job, filling needs is the Saviors job, healing is the Savior’s job. He does want us to do these things, in fact we do these as parents. However we cannot truly teach these principles of the Atonement unless we can apply them- not only to others but to ourselves, in the manner D&C 121 says: with patience, love unfeigned, gentleness , kindness and pure knowledge. We have to live the principles of the atonement in order to teach them. Not perfectly, but as the Savior as our partner. Applying the Atonement with the Saviors help has helped me love myself. Love my children better and also turned my heart to my family members - I hope they can forgive me and feel of my love for them.

I think that makes up for 6 months of not blogging. I hope to be back sooner. I forgot ho wmuch I like blogging.

I am SAD, I feel BAD MAD & GLAD

I have 15 minutes to blog...so this will be short, but I need to do this. I have SAD - seasonal affective disorder. Really severe crappy winter blues. It started about 10 years ago...every year it gets worse and every year it creeps up on me and I can't figure out why I can't get out of bed...why I am gaining weight-even with daily intense exercise and teaching many dance classes... why I want to nap all day... why I cry so much... why I hate everyday no matter what I am doing, etc. It was so severe today I felt like I was drowning in my thoughts and my head was going to explode. I also felt like a dark cloud was pulling me into my mattress. I hate everything about everything when I feel this way.

I am considering what to do about it. Even though it is awful and one of the hardest things I have had to deal with, I am so proud of myself for facing the battle each day and winning. I am proud of myself for getting up at 5:00 almost every day to go to boot camp or teach zumba. The 2 best talks I have ever given in my life have been during this rotten time while I am fighting this battle within myself. I am proud of myself for putting on my best face each week to teach 90 kids teens and adults dance and exercise classes. I have so much compassion for people who struggle with it.... I can feel it and see it in their eyes and I am always ready and willing to talk about it if they need to. While I always believed people who struggled with it and have been supportive, now I know in a more deep, personal way what they were dealing with.

It has always been part of my identity to be cheerful, optimistic, happy, sunny etc... so to have SAD makes me feel like I am losing who I was, but I am still me - even with SAD. I am just happy Lee who is having a sad day. Daily scriptures, prayer and quiet time have sure helped me. I don't know what I 'd do without having the assurance that I am not alone at this crappy time. I can't believe I ever tried to do this alone. I am so grateful Heavenly Father can help us with everything we struggle with.

SAD is BAD and makes me MAD, but I am still GLAD.

2 races in 2 weeks

Ahhh... my on/off relationship with running. Its back on! But a little review...I started running in high school, kind of by accident. I had 2 PE classes in the same semester in 10th grade... one of the classes was all boys and I noticed that I was faster than most of them. My PE teacher was also the track coach and he encouraged me to go out for track. I was extremely shy, so it was out of my comfort zone, but for some reason, I felt okay about doing it. Imagine my surprise when I came in first in the first race I ever ran. It was a 200m and there were 2 heats. I was in shock... and I realized I must have beed kind of was fast because the girl who won the other heat came across the stadium to walk by me and stare me down. I was like, "she even thinks I'm fast"...wow! Unfortunately, my speed didn't last too much longer. I couldn't afford track shoes, so I blew out my knees running in stupid nike cortezs. Cute shoes, but no support.


My coach bought me new track shoes and I was able to keep running, but I had to switch to middle distances to give my knees a chance to heal. My new events became the 400, 800 and 1600 relay. I also started running cross-country in the off-season which opened up a whole new world to me and I realized that I could actually change to enjoy not only the explosive power of sprinting, but the rhythmic calmness of longer distance runs.

So over the years I have continued to run - mostly when I am trying to take off the baby weight. I got consistent (again) about a year ago when my husband wanted to start running. We ran together for about 6 months and ran a couple of 5K races, then he was tired of it. I kept it up a little, but when my sister-in-law told me about a beautiful half marathon she had run...it got me excited about actually training to run something longer. Then my neighbor invited me to run the Thanksgiving Point 10 K. The course was beautiful, the race was comfortable and I felt exhilarated when I finished. My stamina was awesome - thanks to the cardio I get in Zumba classes.


The next race I ran was a 5k cake walk. I woke up that morning in so much pain- I had been having problems with excruciating neck and shoulder pain, but I wasn't going to be deterred from running. I just thought to myself, I don't want to be in pain for no reason especially today....so I said a short prayer, hoping to learn something. I didn't have to wait long to learn a small lesson. Our friend, Jim Hughes,who has brain cancer is the reason the race was held. I had no idea he was going to be there, but when I saw him, I started cry. He could not have been feeling good, but he showed up and was in the middle of the crowd cheering the runners on. He also walked the race. So here is the lesson I learned: No matter how big or small our pain is, we win a personal victory by showing up and reaching out to cheer and encourage others. It did not mean my pain was nothing in comparison and I should just "get over it" and run. The only thing I need to compare is how I could grow from my experience and be grateful for the opportunity to learn from suffering. I was reminded that God cares about the big-Jim's cancer and he also cares about the medium- my stiff neck and he cares about the tiny- my daughter's paper cut.













In the top left picture, you can see me right between the chick-fil-a cows.
End of the story...I was so inspired...my fastest race so far. 25:25. I was the 3rd female to finish.

Seven little Words

Nicole's 12th birthday
My sweet Nicole had her 12th birthday last month and I wanted to do something special that helped her to feel like a little more grown up. I decided I'd take her to do 12 new things this year, 1 activity a month until her next birthday. So for number 1, I took her to Olive Garden to have lunch. ..and right away, we had to laugh when they handed her a children's menu.

Lunch was really good and we had fun talking.

For our 2nd activity, we headed to Thanksgiving Point for a surprise visit to the Gardens. I had never been before and I had free tickets. Nicole didn 't know what I had planned for her. When we entered the Gardens, Wow! that is all I can say. It felt like we had entered another world. There is no hint of it from the street, so its hard to imagine that something so big and beautiful exists.

The first thing we saw was a little rabbit just sitting in the grass and a lizard ran across the path.

Arches and bridges, waterfalls and ponds... not to mention the endless variety of flowers. What a beautiful place.

Nicole was almost the same size as the statue- it will be fun to take a picture every year, watching her grow as the statue doesn't.

This is me at the entrance to the "Secret Garden" ...the lady at the desk told us, "be careful not to miss the secret garden" but she gave us no clues...we had no idea the secret garden would be a creepy dark tunnel that looked like a place we shouldn't enter. We are glad we did, or we would have

missed it for sure.

We spent almost 2 peaceful hours there and had no idea we were taking so long! We almost were late to see "Sorceror's Apprentice" with the rest of the family.

I thought Nicole would be a little bored or feel like it wasn't a Nicole thing to do, but she made my day with these simple seven words:

"I am so glad you brought me here".

I am so glad I brought her here too. I could never have imagined what having a daughter could be like. Nicole is a beautiful gift to me, and she fits right in with all the beauty we saw today.

Back to School/ All About Hair

3 out of 5 of my kids went back to school yesterday. I have mixed feelings, but I thought posting would help me sort them out.

When they are home for the summer:
~ We spend more time doing things we want to, instead of things we have to.
~ Days and evenings don't fly by as quickly.
~ Our youngest Natalie, has siblings who will entertain her for hours.
~ The kids spend more time together.
~ I feel like a better mom because there are less things to forget.
~ I love the relaxed pace and spontaneity of summer days.

Of course, I have to include the cons so I will present a balanced picture.

~ The inevitable whine... "Mom, I'm bored!"
~ And the close second, "Natalie won't leave us alone!"
~ The house stays a constant mess. Its not the cleanliness I worry about, its the ensuing chaos. They can't find things, things get lost, broken... and I feel like I can't think when there is so much stuff lying around. I wish I could be blind to it, but so far that doesn't work for me. Luckily I can usually get everyone to pitch in to keep the house from turning into a disaster.
~ Me and Dave go on less dates in the summer - not on purpose, probably because we spend so much time together in the summer.

So my my 8th grader and preschooler are still at home for 1 more day together. I will be curious to see what a 13 yr old and a 4 yr old have in common. So far my 4 year old has been bossing around my teenager. He's loving it!

All about the hair...


One thing we always do before school is perm the girl's hair. Its actually a permanent relaxer, but in the black culture, most people call it perm for short. If you are mixed race, you can pretty much get hair across the spectrum. Nicole's got the easiest hair, its on the thin and easiest to straighten. Her Aunt Kathy gave her a fabulous new hair cut for 6th grade.


Jess got thick and extremely nappy/kinky hair and a very sensitive scalp. We decided to cut Jessica's hair really short.

This is what Jessica got from me....I never wear my hair like this, but this is how big my "fro" is. Its thick, hard to comb, expensive to maintain...So I usually get extensions, which are so much easier with my hair braided underneath.

Natalie's got thin, but kinky hair. Here is how Natalie's turned out:
Before:

After:

6 things I loved about Bear Lake this year.

1. Seeing my kids anticipate our trip months ahead of time. Bear Lake is a guaranteed vacation, even if money is tight... and they love it! The girls like to draw a list of things that they want to take and start packing months early.

2. I didn't feel pressure to do anything I didn't want to. I have always felt guilty about not loving water vacations. I didn't grow up doing the boating, swimming thing, so its not a relaxing vacation for me. This year, I just did what I wanted and didn't worry about the water. I read, I exercised, watched the kids play in the water etc... It was fun.

3. A break from dance - summer months are hard when you own a dance studio- most people want time off, so we operate with 1/3 of the students... however we still have 100% of the bills to pay. I teach more to help us save a little money, but I want a summer break too! Bear Lake means I get a break from teaching.

4. Spending time with the whole family. Dave's brother Brian, and his new wife, Sam were the only ones who couldn't make it, so we had most of the family there, which is always a blast. Steve and Tiercy surprised us by coming up for a day. I hope that my kids will want to vacation together when they are all married with children of their own.

5. I only gained one pound. Every year, I gain 5-10 pounds in the 3 days we are there. Its because I am way more active at home... I teach dance, I exercise, I clean the house..etc. So I dread it a little every year because it is frustrating to know that I will gain weight. This year, I brought alot of my own snacks. I walked everyday on the beach, ran 2 days and did zumba in the rec room one day.

6. Bear Lake gave me another reason to love facebook. I didn't take any pictures because I forgot my camera. Thanks to my sister-in-law, I snagged some off of facebook. I don't like to forget to take pics, but its one less thing to worry about sometimes:o)

I am so happy to see the kids making fun memories with their cousins. I sure hope we can vacation just a little more before they get too old. I'd be happy with just one more vacation a year. Bear Lake can be our exteneded family vacation and then if we could do something as a family, I'd love that. We'll see. School starts in 9 days... the kids are excited...and so I am I.

I got a blog makeover and I love it! Thanks Lori! I did not know how to make it how look how I wanted it to. So now, I need to get my act together and post again :o)