I have 15 minutes to blog...so this will be short, but I need to do this. I have SAD - seasonal affective disorder. Really severe crappy winter blues. It started about 10 years ago...every year it gets worse and every year it creeps up on me and I can't figure out why I can't get out of bed...why I am gaining weight-even with daily intense exercise and teaching many dance classes... why I want to nap all day... why I cry so much... why I hate everyday no matter what I am doing, etc. It was so severe today I felt like I was drowning in my thoughts and my head was going to explode. I also felt like a dark cloud was pulling me into my mattress. I hate everything about everything when I feel this way.I am considering what to do about it. Even though it is awful and one of the hardest things I have had to deal with, I am so proud of myself for facing the battle each day and winning. I am proud of myself for getting up at 5:00 almost every day to go to boot camp or teach zumba. The 2 best talks I have ever given in my life have been during this rotten time while I am fighting this battle within myself. I am proud of myself for putting on my best face each week to teach 90 kids teens and adults dance and exercise classes. I have so much compassion for people who struggle with it.... I can feel it and see it in their eyes and I am always ready and willing to talk about it if they need to. While I always believed people who struggled with it and have been supportive, now I know in a more deep, personal way what they were dealing with.
It has always been part of my identity to be cheerful, optimistic, happy, sunny etc... so to have SAD makes me feel like I am losing who I was, but I am still me - even with SAD. I am just happy Lee who is having a sad day. Daily scriptures, prayer and quiet time have sure helped me. I don't know what I 'd do without having the assurance that I am not alone at this crappy time. I can't believe I ever tried to do this alone. I am so grateful Heavenly Father can help us with everything we struggle with.
SAD is BAD and makes me MAD, but I am still GLAD.
